ISP providers make shitty pizza delivery boys. Huh?

 

I hate ISPs, so much. So very much. It's a bad business made worse by greedy asshats with no clue what technological innovation is. 

Imagine if Pizza Hut decided to hire a thrid party delivery service. This third party delivery service decided that it would deliver Pizza Hut's mediocre $10 "pizza's" to your neighborhood and charge you a $150 a month to do it. (Sure, you could spend less, but then they would only deliver a slice of pizza. Nobody wants a slice of pizza (unless your in new york, in which case a slice or two makes complete sense)).In addition, you will have to rent the pizza box every month for an additional $5 or $10. If you want HD pies, well, that's another $10.

Also, you will given a lot of pizza you don't want. No, scratch that. You will be given a lot of pizza nobody wants.

     "Here's a great Home Shopping Pizza." 
      "I don't want a Home Shopping Pizza. I'd like just the HD Discovery Pizza"
      "Aw, I'm sorry, but f*ck you. You will eat this Home Shopping Pizza and that's that. If you want HD Discovery Pizza, you will bend over and pay me more money. Now kindly open wide, b*tch."

Often times, if there is a little rain and lighting, you will get no pizza. You will still pay for pizza, and your rental pizza boxes, but don't expect there to always be pizza. That would be asking too much. If your rental pizza box breaks, you will need a special pizza delivery boy to come to your house. Now, we can't tell you when and where, because truly, this pizza box "specialist" is a ninja, and ninjas don't do well with "schedules." Expect him to arrive sometime between now and "oh shit, you just missed him."

No worries, though. You can call the special pizza delivery boy hotline. This hotline is staffed by random strangers who happened to be near a ringing phone. They will pick it up and talk to you, but they have no idea who you are, what you paid for, nor how to help you. In fact, they might be a little scared of you. There's a good chance they were calling about their own pizza delivery needs and got entwined in the "great pizza mindf*ck paradox." When this happens, just wait for the connection to just end and then you have a choice: start over or walk away. Either way, you are getting no pizza, friend.  You can press 1 for Spanish, though. That makes the phones ring in an old mexican lady's apt. in Oakland. She doesn't even know what a pizza is, let alone that you had a problem with yours. She is sorry, though. Mostly because your talking nonsense to her and her arm is getting tired of holding the phone. Nice lady, though.

Ah, what's this? The ISP has plans to develop itself and needs to tier it's pricing struture? I need to pay more for "pepporni and sausage packages [heh]" and if I really like pizza, I can order the $250 pizza awesome club #1 rewards program, wherein I can have unlimited access to all the pizza I do and do not want. Just like now, only it's more expensive. And don't wait, you can lock in your pizza club fabuloso membership (with the added googles) for two years at this exclusive price.

Need to set up your pizza delivery service? No problem. For a nominal fee of about $4,000, the pizza delivery service will send one or two sweaty delivery shaman into your home to set up the special "pizza receiving equipment." In truth, your house came with this, but without these mystic pizza shaman powers you can't summon the bullshit required for the eating of your pizza. It takes maybe one or two attempts for them to raise it, and they might need to wear big dirty boots on your rug to do it. You will sit, watch, and offer them a glass of water. It is the only way.

Are you moving? Are you sure? The pizza delivery service can travel with you if you need. You might have to drop your rental pizza box(es) off at the central pizza box rental office. It won't be easy getting there and it will always be full of people needing to pay for rental pizzas past. Your pizza rental box office agents are always happy to help, though. They can give you a new rental pizza box, help you pay for your past pizza rentals, and if need be, allow you to buy more pizza. Those are your only options. 

There is much more - business pizza services, bundled pizza options, special pizza rental support packages (for those who might need help ensuring that the pizza...is...dial 1 for spanish) - but we'll skip that for now.

All you want is pizza. You are willing to pay for pizza. You will get a pizza, but it will be covered, drowned, smothered, and doused in complete and utter bullshit.

F*ck you, ISPs. I want a taco.

 - j

new music, justifying a pup, and the end of the world

For me, 2011 has given me a ton of really great music. Between the James Vincent McMorrow, Dawes, and now Bon Iver albums, my ears a peachy. I've even come across some really great covers, too. At the bottom I've posted a great Modest Mouse Cover by Broken Social Scene. Just typing that last sentence made my jeans go hipster tight and my beer turn Pabst nasty, but the cover is great. New music on the bottom -  happy ears for everybody. 

All this great new music has been a great distraction for the real "settling in" pains I've got for this whole "up and move to Texas" thing I've pulled off. Don't get me wrong, I definitely came for the right reasons. I just think I'm going through the to be expected mini freak-outs of not knowing anybody. As cliché as it is to start anything with "As I've gotten older I've really come to realize," but as I've gotten older I've really come to realize (shut up) that the true costs of most the decisions I make don't ever become apparent immediately. I want adventure, travel, and as much fresh damn air as possible. In chasing those things I never realized how much having roots somewhere can be worth. Of course, that is until you have none. Now, don't go reading this as yours truly's emo moment in the sun - Josh has yet to don black t shirts and listen to a Dashboard Confessional album (and I never will) and stage a sit in drinking wine out of a box by his lonesome - but I have had a beer alone, cranked up my iTunes library and got to thinking about my time in Nashville and NYC. Blah blah blah, shit changes. Fuck it, I'm getting a dog.

So, the world is ending, or at least a few crackpots with more money then sense are preaching via billboards and bumper stickers. Tomorrow at 6pm, apparently. Now we all know this is a crock of shit (if you doubt this you are spending your last moments on the wrong page of the internet, friend), but I think it could be fun to play along. Maybe start some riots and pillage a BMW dealership. I'm sorry, but if religious nut jobs have the right to try and scare the bejesus out of the rest of us every couple of hours, what with their raptures and constant judging of other people for sport, I feel the rest of us should get at least one shot in. This is why I am advocating "punch a zealot" day. Really, it will never be more than an ad campaign aimed at hyping a day when those without faith (us heathens) will organize a massive march of fisticuffs on our brethren of the cloth. Kicker is there will be no real date. It will just be a campaign with t-shirts, bumper stickers, and the occasional candidate for public office. Any more than that and we'd be fulfilling our end of the hype more than the other side has ever been able to come through on. So, no punches folks, just the promise. Keep it fair.

Here's the music, internet friends. Enjoy your Rapture tomorrow. Or don't. 

- j

New Tallest Man:

The Tallest Man on Earth (New Song, Live) by TwentyFourBit.com

New Bon Iver (annoying format, I know):

Broken Social Scene covers Modest Mouse:

Broken Social Scene » Modest Mouse from The Voice Project on Vimeo.

Game of Thrones, Texas, and James Vincent McMorrow

So after quite a bit of procrastination, quite a lot of life, and some moving around a bit, I have come back to attempting to keep my site up and running. Instead of amazing stores about meeting new people, seeing new places, or doing something worth mention, I make my comeback special about a friggan t.v. show. I am high brow, no?

Anyway, I can only hope that this past mother's day you were all doing the sensible thing and forcing your mom to watch HBO's Game of Thrones. I have never been one to fancy kings, castles, and sword fights, but hell if I don't find this show entertaining. So much so that I'm actually reading the book(s). I think that's some sort of narrative stereo, where you take in the same content in two different ways at the same time. I dunnno, just watch the show.

I should note that I am in Texas now. It was all a rather big surprise to me, too. I have to say that thus far my impressions have been pretty good. I have managed to have some of the best coffee I've ever had here, find the most comfortable apartment walking distance to work and a nightlife, and am in no need to worry about never having a burrito handy. They are everywhere here. Texas is 'merican for "all we eat is mexican food and damn if we ain't gonna like it!" Actually, the food is pretty good. I can't speak on Texas too much, really. The girls are pretty, the wind blows crazy hard, it get's damn hot (so I hear), and the people have thus far been pretty nice. Well done, TX.

I will do my best to drop music recomendations here from time to time as well. Here's my latest audible affliction, James Vincent McMorrow. I've been listening to him quite a bit as of late and have to say his album has been my favorite thus far for 2011. Good ear food. Here's a listen:

James Vincent McMorrow by VagrantRecords

Later days, internet friends.

 - josh